Updated: Jun 26, 2019
The process of coming to the honest truth.
I started the series To Know Dependency back in January, with the Rhythm of Virulent never truly understanding the bigger picture that was about to unfold. Now coming to a close six months later with Magoa, for the first time I spent hours crying as I couldn’t stop the colors from growing darker and darker. The pain had come to be too consuming to ignore...finally.
As I look at this final piece of
To Know Dependency I realized something. From painting rhythms to patterns, to chaos in search of hope, it all came down to one thing, every significant father figure has abandoned me, from the positive to the not so positive.
Don’t get me wrong yes, my dad is still part of my life, who I love no matter what but he left when I was thirteen. I can home from school to piles of my clothes and items just boxed up in my mom's driveway, later to learn that my dad moved away without even informing me and later getting remarried without even inviting me to the wedding let alone telling me he was getting married. (Broken people make broken people in some sense.)
Yes, I have a step dad but I have chosen to never get close to him and honestly I don’t really care to. Not because the opportunity wasn’t there but because I knew the type of person he really was and is. I’ve seen the hurt that has been caused by both of them, I live in it every day, the lies and the secrets are too much to even go into and frankly it’s not even worth the time anymore. But I wouldn’t say these men have been a positive father figure.
Then there are the men that I respected and considered to be a healthy father figure, come to find out they left too. I would strive and try anything to just be considered worthy of being a daughter to them in some form but I can honestly say nothing I did gained that. It was based on acts of service and striving I did to the point of total burn out but all I ever wanted was just time to be with someone that saw me as a daughter.
So, thus began the endless cycles of deep rooted emotions, life threatening situations, and patterns of toxic behavior on my end. I understand that most people reading this are going to give me a scripture of how the Lord is our true Father and how our earthly father shouldn’t dictate our relationship with Him. That it shouldn’t define how I lived and continue to live my life. I appreciate that, I understand the Lord does loves me like a child but if you’ve never been abandoned nor had horrible father figures then, I’m sorry but please shut your mouth. I will never comprehend what that loves feels like, it will always be confusing and hard to process. And often leave people who have been abandoned searching for any type of physical feeling of love and acceptance.
I love the Lord; I want to be with Him all the time in just totally intimacy and communication. I’ve spent months realizing and working toward dependency with Holy Spirit, as well as time with the Lord, that I can say I now realize He is who I rely on in utter faithfulness.
But as I look at this final piece of this series, Magoa, I can express in true vulnerability and authenticity it represents exactly what the word means, a heart-breaking feeling that leaves long-lasting traces, visible in gestures and facial expressions.